2:34 am 11-14-2000

"real love"

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if I was so insane then why would I make sense,
it's you my friend that lack the view, the drive to climb,
to jump and hurdle the locked door, the rusted fence,
of your own allowance of reality, a small fraction of mine.

you held me back, you held my heart, my love, my soul,
you let me go and so you chose life, so stay away,
we can't be friends, we can't be foes, we aren't anything,
short, but, a memory of a time and place that didn't work.

I'm sorry if you think I hate you, I have no time for that,
I'm sorry if I gave you more than you ever saw or cared to,
I'm sorry I tried harder to pretend I could live alone,
inside my heart dying because I'm allright, considering...

I'm not requiring help so much as someone whom understands,
someone whom doesn't shrug off my words and wisdom as fast,
an angel and a demon that knows the different sides of the dice,
the 12 angles in which we either live, or in which we die.

I found her, and I love her, maybe more than anyone I will know,
more than you I know, don't be mad, it's only truth, real,
don't stomp and pout, you said life was going well, enjoy it,
but don't rain on my parade for finding joy after the flames.

I tried several times to slice away redemption's lasso, rope,
I tried so many sweet ways to find your open arms, shelter,
but I never had the key to unlock that heart of yours to me,
I had but a short gaze at it, before the doors shut and locked.

But, I am past petty worries over what could have been, I tried,
I truly did, the night knows, as it heard me cry myself to sleep,
I really did, the day knows as I ran from it into shadows,
so when I knew I was done thinking of us even as friends, I was new.

Onward I rolled, forward I went, only the same wish I for you,
I have my own slice of happiness like a tea, brewing here,
blue eyes, aries, pierced to hades, my own desires in flesh,
I won't let her go, won't let her suffer, for she is to sweet.

I recall the past, it sits now in another time waiving, thriving,
reliving moments knowing they weren't meant to go right,
reinventing the word attempt, as well as failure, but living,
so we live there, and we live here, apart, better off, so much.

I am well, more so than I ever have been, growing to myself,
She is all I hoped to find but never thought I would see in flesh,
sometimes what I cried for in the night alone, but so much more,
Her name is Laura, and her eyes are like flames around a pool.

I love her, I love her, I LOVE her, with all my heart, all I am,
all I had to hide from you because you weren't able to take it,
all I was inside and out balled up and afraid to be honest, real,
I hold her, and I hug her, and I kiss her, and I LOVE her, my Laura.

real love has struck me dead to the false world of doubt, dread,
real love has wounded me into healing old wounds that open sometimes,
real love keeps me warm at night in the cold winter air, asleep,
real love makes my dreams come true, my desires full, complete.

I've found real love, I've found real pleasure.
I've found it all, there is nothing better,
I know the questions, I know the answer, real love,
is in my heart and soul, I'm alive, flying up above.

towards whatever heavens, towards whatever it represents,
into the centers of deeper fufillment, utter truth,
I'm awake with tremors and spasms of excitement, suspense,
for our lives, mine and Laura's, build up, as we prove real love...

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